You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
