I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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