My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
