Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
