I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
