yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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