I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize