question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
