That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
