He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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