24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
