I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
