What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
