thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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