I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
