Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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