remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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