I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
