for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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