I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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