My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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