Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
