i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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