So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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