i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
