I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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