....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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