Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
