Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
