Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
