That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
