you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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