Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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