man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
