Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
