If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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