best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
