So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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