Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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