Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
