I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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