trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
