i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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