Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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