So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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