I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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