Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
