My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
