That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
