@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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