Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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