Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
