So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
