I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
