see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
