They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
