I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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