Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
