So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
